holding the beautiful and sad at the same time

for a week now i have been wrestling with how/what to write. last wednesday, dan and i got the news that caleb, the son our of our friends matt and kylee was born. he was a bit early because kylee had eclampsia and was taken to the hospital that morning. normally the best way to stop eclampsia is to take the baby out and then the mother's blood pressure normalizes. so we went to bed praising God for a new life and our amazing friends- the boden family. on thursday, we were awakened by the news that kylee did not wake up from the anesthesia and died after seizures and bleeding in her brain. this was shocking and difficult news to hear. this isn't how the story is supposed to go. but it is how the story goes- it is how our loving, perfect Father willed this story.

i told you about kylee a few posts back- in "i'm glad i'm not an elephant". kylee is one of the reasons i now want to be a mother. she was one of my closest friends- always loving me, speaking truth to me, crying with me, and rejoicing with me. she was beautiful in her love for her husband, children, and family. she hated sin and loved the hurting so much. and because of her hatred of sin, she longed for heaven more than most people i know.

as we cried, prayed, processed, and talked about kylee- i couldn't help but struggle to figure out how to hold the sadness of our loss and hold on to the beauty of her finally being in the home she always longed for and for the beautiful little baby that she left. i don't know what it will be like to grow up without a mother, especially for caleb, who never met his mother but i do know that God will meet all of their needs. God is only good and beautiful. He has a perfect plan that we don't understand. on sunday, i spent time reading and thinking about how beautiful Jesus' response was to the family and friends mourning the death of lazuras. john 11:33 says, "when Jesus therefore saw her (mary) weeping, and the jews who came with her, also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled." and then the famous verse 35, "Jesus wept". i take great comfort in the truth that Jesus weeps with those weep and that the Holy Spirit is the Great Comforter.

we praise You oh LORD for the life of kylee and that You were her center. we praise You that she is now with You in the place that Jesus went to prepare for us. we ask that You as the Great Comforter and healer of our hurts will be near to us and especially near to her family, whose lives are now greatly changed by her absence. may we all cling to You and hope in You alone. in the name of Jesus we trust You in this life to be better than we can imagine. amen.

-m